Let me set the scene… Yesterday was a beautiful winter day, the sky was cloudless, a vivid blue, and the sun was golden and warm, a glorious contrast to the cold air. I was walking my dog down our wooded street, no traffic, just the sound of a few leaves rustling gently in the breeze. Sounds like a nice day for a walk, right? Here is what was actually going on. I was late, I was rushed, I had my eyes cast down and was power walking to get the outing off my to-do list. I wasn’t noticing the woods around me, I wasn’t tilting my head back to let the sun shine on my face. My dog was two steps behind me and his head was down too as he was trying to keep up with me. The leash attaching the two of us was stretched out, a nylon red line parallel to the road. The only sound we were tuned to was the sound of his panting.
Hmmmm…. neither one of us was experiencing this 30 minutes.. I was pulling my dog along on my agenda, and he was trying to keep up. We both missed an opportunity.
This can happen in the therapy room, right? Sometimes we can get too far out in front of our clients. Maybe we know their cycle, we know where we want to go with them, we know the EFT map and think that if we can only articulate our point, or explain the cycle, or help them crystallize what it is (we assume) they are trying to say that they will heal. But if we are dragging our couple along, we will not only jeopardize attunement, but in an effort to keep up with us they will stay cognitive, and we will all miss out on an essential part of the EFT work — the experiential.
And we know that for our couples to truly re-build their bond, they need to experience the cycle, feel their vulnerability, in the room, in the moment. (And then of course, share it.)
It is a tricky balance right? Certainly we want to conjecture, (and in EFT conjecture is an important intervention) and we want to be at the leading edge of our clients’ experience and then help them go a half-a-step deeper. Half-a-step. Because it’s important to be right alongside our clients, with them in their experience, helping them to feel it, and feeling it ourselves. If we are too far out in front of them, we will risk them talking about how they feel and not actually feeling it. And although knowing the cycle is important, feeling it—with you, with their partner—is essential. This is the piece that will help them reconnect, help them heal.
So this week, if you find yourself too far out in front, slow down, ground yourself. Take a deep breath and know that the most important agenda item is happening right now, right in front of you.